I shred the letters. Or at least, I think I did. I haven’t gone back to look for them, anyway. I don’t even want to investigate my claim now either. Because I couldn’t care any less.
I wanted to start with that success from 2018.
I’m not truly sure what the grand lesson is of twenty eighteen. I coasted through the first half of it, working on doing whatever I could for anyone else. ”Adjusting to work” was the excuse I used for not seeing any of my friends. A lot of my life was for service of others – work and not-work, and a small trickle of my friends. I was doing what set my soul on fire.
Or so I thought.
Allah blessed me with a summer that was blissfully sunny – as the weather was. Characterized by lunches at work in our scrubs on green pastures under blue skies, many peach ice-teas and Switzerland. Until you see a country as ridiculous in beauty, you don’t truly appreciate the beauty Allah can create. The lakes were truly see-through, pure spring water, mountains protecting and lining the lakes, towering over them covered in lush trees cut off by beautiful icy glaciers and the sky – a sky that welcome stars back into it’s watercolour pink canvas every night.
It was love at first sight. And it was where I learned to let things go. I think that’s where I picked me back up again.
I continued to work on what set my soul on fire – and then I think, I truly caught fire.
I guess that’s my big lesson. If you keep running, you will run out of road. It’s all good and well to follow a passion but if that passion becomes a reason to be irresponsible and to begin damaging behaviour patterns – maybe, that passion isn’t that important. I started to think of myself as weak. And hello, look around, this blog’s theme is strength!
But I’m not weak. I learned to be direct to get answers I needed, I learned to close doors fully and resist temptation to unlock them again and I learned to do the right thing at the right time. That takes strength. Just not the self sacrificial kind.
But I stayed kind. I stayed loyal. I stayed as honest as possible. I stayed forgiving.
And I think in there, I found a new me.
I’m learning to embrace softness. It’s not weakness. I’m as brash and unapologetic as can be, and I’m learning to save my time for those who matter, honestly so. I’m accepting difference. I still know all of the words to The Ringer by Eminem.
Twenty nineteen. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. May this year make me more patient. More generous. More kind. To myself. In that, you are providing a service to Allah. Being the best you can be is a service to Allah.
I want to focus on me, the writer, the daughter, the friend. She’s been neglected the most.
so here we go.