We’ve eaten (pun absolutely intended) half of Ramadan already. The first day feels like the longest day of your life and then before you know it, she’s come and gone. Time becomes fluid (and yet again, pun intended) with my incomprehensible sleep schedule and lightheadedness throughout the day. The taraweeh nights feel shorter and shorter and you feel like you are holding onto a balloon that is fighting to float away and be one with the world.
And then there’s the big fat illusion of having loads of time. If I’m not working, I’m sleeping and if I’m doing neither I’m finding an escape these days through the Qu’ran, ironically. I suppose that is the purpose of this month, except I am constantly living with the fact that I have a lot on my plate (intended, yes).
I have this list of things to do, and it’s nothing wild, mind you, but it’s there. Sort through my laptop, edit photos, finish that project, write here, there and the other thing. Pursue the things I loved to do. Past tense.
It has also occured to me this is my second year as a graduate and am I where I wanted to be? I’m definitely making more progress career wise than I am with the tangled-cords-behind-your-tv situation inside of my head.
I’m grateful. As I write this golden hour is upon us. The sun is falling in my backyard slowly and the myriad of early summer trees is filtering that golden-yellow hue, like a projector. It spills light over the tops of the trees in the garden, particularly making the tree with the big purple flowers, whose name I don’t know, shine. The sky is playing with shades of white, blue and coral as the clouds with buckets or sprinkles of rain dance around each other.
Allah has been good to me. He has given me light, inside and outside. I made it to my 22nd birthday and insha’Allah more beyond that. I am beyond privileged. And with all of the injustice and fear around us, I try to remember I am very lucky, despite the fact I do not have the protected status of a white male. I’m not high on the pecking order of society but at least I’m not being bombed in Palestine or persecuted in China. Alhamdulilah subhanAllah.
It is because of that I must try harder. I have oppertunity. I’d refuse to accept the status quo, the easy way out, the plain and simple. I’ve fallen into stability and I need to get back out of it. I cannot waste this time. I cannot waste my youth.
Maybe this is the push you also needed. Maybe, you too, fear failure, or more accurately, fear not doing it just right or learning you probably have no talent with it. And I have no better reason for you to keep going other than, well, keep going. You will regret inaction.
And surely, fortune favours the brave.
Categories: Head Wanderings